I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
