I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
