I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
