dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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