my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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