Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
