life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
