i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
