This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
