youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
