Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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