hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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