mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
