What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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