i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
