my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
they need to just BURY HIM!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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