Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
