When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
