Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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