lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
