I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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