Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
