no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
