I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
