I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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