I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
