I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
