Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
