I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize