Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
