He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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