I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
