don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
