my being single is dangerous.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
