see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
