I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
