I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Two words: blizzard sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
