Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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