Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
