Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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