someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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