are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize