Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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