we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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