About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
