My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
