she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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