How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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