Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
