Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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