Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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