fuck your aforementioned shoe
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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