someone threw a dead crab at me
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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