I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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