so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm both gender and math confused
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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