I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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